It happens all over the world

Last night my band shared a gig at a function with an Indonesian band, with the PA system, stage equipment and sound crew being hired by the venue. When we arrived we were impressed, as the PA was high quality Bose and Mackie gear (it's not the norm to see such good equipment here), and the backline looked promising as well, with Marshall and Ampeg guitar and bass rigs. This was our first gig with our new singer, so we were pumped to see what looked to be a kickarse setup.

The Indonesian band played first, and had a good sound happening, although the mainly bule audience was not enjoying the music. Perhaps the 8 or 9 song Bee Gees medley that formed the majority of their set had something to do with that. People in the crowd were saying to us that they hope we're gonna be better than the first band, and we knew we were, so we were itching to get on stage.

We got up on stage and played a great set, with lots of people dancing, and appreciative applause and cheers after each song, with the crowd really getting into it. We had a really good sound happening on stage, however the vocal monitors were turned right down, and our hand signals to the sound guy and verbal requests for more foldback were ignored. OK, no problem, we can hear enough of our vocals from the mains to get by reasonable well. So, we play a rocking set, the dance floor is packed, every song gets cheers and applause, and at the end of our set people can't get enough of us, shaking our hands, backslapping, people offering us gigs etc.

After our set the first band gets up again and launches into another Bee Gees medley and as I'm chatting to some people I'm told that we sounded great despite the fact that the sound guy had turned off the vocal monitors and the subs, bypassed the main EQ, and messed with the vocal mic levels. So, it seems that the sound guy pulled the old "suck button" trick so we wouldn't sound better than the other band, presumably because we're bules. Nice to know that the music business is the same anywhere in the world, although normally that type of stuff only happens with touring bands and their support acts, not among hackers playing for beer money in a bar. It was satisfying to blow the other band away despite the best efforts of their sound engineer.

Funny part is, before we played we asked the sound guy for his business card, since we'll be looking to hire a good PA like this every now and then, so he's boned himself in the arse from a business point of view. Nice work!

Pest control requiring WMD

My esteemed blogging colleague Indcoup writes today about the ease of dealing with rodents at his residence -

I have always made sure on my trips to Hero Supermarket to pick up loads of the wonderfully effective rat traps that they make here. My particular favorite is a simple wooden board that has been covered with the stickiest fucking glue that you can imagine. When the little bastards walk on this they simply have no chance.

Indcoup obviously hasn't seen the monster rat that lives in our back garden, which weighs in around the same as a well fed tom cat and is clearly the Mike Tyson of the Jakarta rodent community. I invested in a couple of the sticky glue rat traps mentioned above (these are hefty traps, around 25cm long and 10cm wide) and placed them along external walls in the garden area as recommended on the packaging (apparently, rodents have poor eyesight, so like to travel close to walls and use their whiskers for navigation).

The next morning, I checked the traps, while armed with a long blunt ended object, on the assumption that I would need to dispatch the stuck monster rat in close quarter hand to hand combat. To my amazement I found one of the traps upside down and 2 meters away from where I had placed it, with two large rat footprints embedded in the industrial strength glue. Iron Mike The Monster Rat had treated the super dooper rat trap with disdain, casting it aside like somebody kicking off their sandals at the front door.

I can see that more advanced weaponry will be required to deal with this unwanted guest. I thought about importing a good old Australian possum trap, but Indonesian Customs would probably want to charge me $500 import duty on it as a "luxury item".

I'm going to chalk this one up as a win

Recently I bought a (one, single, satu) used golf club online to complete a set of clubs I've been putting together. Given that the price of the very same item new in Jakarta golf shops is $300, I did my sums and decided that buying used for $80, adding $20 for shipping and taking into account the 50% import duty on golf equipment, for around $150 all up I'd be doing ok.

Imagine my surprise and consternation (actually, I was rather pissed off) when the customs invoice I received was for $430. Yes, import duty and taxes on a used item that cost $80 were calculated at $430. WTF?

On contacting the customs broker I was informed that when they opened the package he assessed that the golf club was in "almost new" condition, so decided to classify it as "luxury goods" and slapped an arbitrary $500 value on it (which in itself doesn't fully explain the astronomical demand for import duty, but let's not try and second guess the method of calculation, as that would be pointless).

Anyway, I contacted the customs broker, however my repeated statement that the item is not new, and besides, I can buy a new one at Plaza Senayan or Mal Pondok Indah at list price for less than the import duty they're charging, fell on deaf ears. So, I told them they can keep the golf club (I was tempted to be more direct) and do what they want with it, because I'm not paying over $500 (purchase price + duty) for a used item that I could buy new locally for $300.

If the customs guy doesn't play golf he's up excrement river without an outboard. Serves him right for trying to win the jackpot instead of settling for his normal steady percentage take from the freight company. Now that the initial frustration has worn off, I'm feeling contented with this result. It's almost worth the hundred I ate on the deal, just for the satisfaction of knowing that one corrupt government official didn't get what he wanted this time.

Wedding Economics 101

In Western countries weddings are expensive events for the happy couple and their parents, often depleting savings accounts or necessitating taking out a loan in order to pay for lavish reception venues and for feeding and watering guests, who tend to maximise their nutritional and fluid intake because it's free. Guest lists are often limited in number due to the financial constraints of budgeting for the cost of food and booze. In return, the bride and groom will acquire assorted small kitchen appliances, linen, wine glasses, serving trays and candle holders as gifts from the invited guests. In almost all cases, a wedding generates a loss on the balance sheet.

However, in Indonesia, a wedding can be a cashflow-positive project. Because venue hire and catering is very inexpensive, and most wedding guests will be non-drinking Muslims, there is no real financial limit to how many people can be invited to a wedding reception, particularly as the custom is for reception guests to come and go at any time during the reception. The clincher is that wedding gifts in Indonesia are almost always cold hard cash, which gives a handy start to married life for the newlyweds.

The key to a successful wedding in Indonesia is to use the following formula for determining how many people you invite to the reception:

Capacity of reception venue x 5

The formula ensures that the venue is packed for the duration of the reception, even if 75% of the invitees do not attend, and maximises your return on investment.

This explains why I've received wedding invitations from people I've met once or co-workers who I've spoken to for 5 minutes in 6 months. Being a bule (Caucasian) is probably another factor, since expats are considered a safe bet to be in a position to give generously to the bride and groom. And if it's an alcohol-free Muslim wedding, there's no chance for us to drink our way into the profits.

Considering coming back as a goat?

Tomorrow is a holy day for Islam (Idul Ahda, The Day of Sacrifice), where any Muslim who can afford to do so is asked to purchase a goat or cow for slaughter to provide a feast for the less fortunate. So, every blade of grass in Jakarta is currently grazing livestock that have been trucked in from out of town. Children are oohing and aahing at the cute animals, and shepherds are lovingly tending their flocks and fattening them up.

But tomorrow is a different story. From early in the morning the throat cutting and draining of blood begins. Lucky me, I live right next door to a local kampung who will be feasting on goat tomorrow.

Fortunately, it's also a holiday, and I've got an 8.00am tee time booked at the course, but nevertheless I'm bound to be awoken before sunrise by the sound of goats making a hell of a racket once the first of their buddies gets the chop.

Incidentally, the going rate for goats at this time of the year is around $80, and cows require an investment of around $600. You can even transfer cash from your bank account via an ATM to an organisation who will look after the purchase and delivery of a goat on your behalf to the poor, if you can't be arsed shopping for your own goat, trying to squeeze it into the back of your Kijang and driving around town looking for a worthy recipient.

Me, I'm coming back as a cat, thank you very much.


Update: We had an interesting start to the day. The party in the kampung next door started at sunrise, and we had booked a taxi for 6.30am to get us to the course for an 8.00am hit off. At 6.15am the taxi company phoned me to say the taxi couldn't get to my house because the road was closed (we live 100m from a big mosque). So, myself and my next door neighbour walked up the road with our golf clubs over our shoulders and weaved our way through several hundred people who had laid their prayer mats on the roads surrounding the mosque. We got some funny looks, but most people were cool about it.

Fortunately we missed the goat slaughter, but on the golf course we did hear from a nearby mosque what sounded like a microphone held up against a goat's mouth while it was getting the chop.

Praise Allah and pass the Bundy

On a recent foray downunder for the holiday season I was keen to purchase my favourite rum at the duty free price (1) to save myself a few bucks, and (2) because I've not seen Bundy for sale in Jakarta. Imagine my shock when the "duty free" price at the airport in Australia was an exorbitant US$20, whereas the little duty free shop next to the baggage collection area at Soekarno-Hatta airport in Jakarta sells the same stuff with a price tag of just US$12, which made my purchasing decision very easy.